oh cheese

Those little wooden animals just didn't want to fit inside the the barn. "Oh jeeze! They keep falling out!" I joke. Pause. Then out of no where, unbridled laughter. "Oh cheese!" he squeals and giggles. "Oh cheese!" Don't you just love their sweet, pure laugh?

The school year is barreling closer and I'm wresting again with major mommy guilt. Say what you will about how adaptable kids are, I get it, but that doesn't take away the aches and pangs of guilt I feel most days I'm away from him.

Yes, there are days that I don't feel that ache. And then I feel guilty about that, too.

Anyone who knows me knows how passionate I am about my work and how much I love my job. Before having children I was always the last one out the door, staying until it was dark outside knowing full well I'd never recover all that overtime. I didn't care - there was just so much to do. I was (and still am) hyper-motivated about innovating programs and teaching. Especially as it pertains to getting messy.

Now that I've built an incredible program, brick by brick (or more accurately leaf by leaf), that same ambition grows. In fact, it's insatiable.

Given the work that I do as an educator, I feel proud. Proud of the profound and lasting effects my work has on students, families and other educators. My work also plays a great role in my own child's life when he enters our nature preschool next year. This is more than just a job. It is how I define myself and how I share my values with the community. I have an amazing career that goes beyond punching a clock, collecting a paycheck and racing like a bat out of hell when it's five.

There you have the dynamic. When I'm not with E or thinking about spending time with him and my husband, then I'm obsessing (and dreaming) about work.

With the on-going reminder of the graduate coursework I put on the shelf nine years ago, and then revisiting the idea again last fall, I continue to struggle with my work family balance. I long to further my career so that my reach goes beyond the one program I've created. I want my reach to be national. International. And I'm not far off from achieving those goals. The more I work with educators, the greater impact my vision will have.

So I'm longing to complete my Masters coursework, once and for all. Well, until I go on to pursue my Doctorate.

And then I'll go back as a feisty little old lady and get that MFA in painting.

Did I mention I completed those three painting commissions? They are finally out the door! But I digress...

The point is, I always want to thinking long term. I have a lot of career left! But this fight in me to do more with my career is always tempered with the guilt and struggle of more time away from my son. In this case, it's only three hours of class. But it's an intense three hours on top of a day away from him at work first. And that three hours means more childcare or juggling with my husband on top of our crazy opposite schedules.

How do you put the brakes on a career at the exact moment in time when momentum is at its greatest? How do you explain that urgency to people around you that can't recognize the power and potential of this ambition? How do you justify or reconcile more demands of mommy's time with an overworked husband and a toddler at home?

Ah the demands of a modern mommy. Oh cheese.

from dreamland, with yuv

The weather has been sunny and sweltering but generally that doesn't keep us from getting outside. E's even learning how to fend off the "skeeters" by swatting. And thanks to Gram, he just can't stay away from that Cozy Coupe. Boy, he loves that thing.
Unfortunately we've been battling with a high fever for two days now and it's definitely slowed my little guy down. His temp was up to 104 at the doctor's office today! "I'm not fee-wing my best" he repeats in the sweetest voice you ever heard. Would you believe that on our car ride home from the doctor's office, after she swabbed his throat for Strep, he still said "we had very much fun today". Talk about a good sport!

So, here's the cutest thing that I just have to share: I decided to rock him tonight and skip our usual routine because he could hardly keep his eyes open. I snuggled and rocked him in his dimly dusk-lit room until he was deeply snoring. I admit, I kept rocking anyway trying to savor the baby love. Eventually I gently lowered him into his bed making sure to tuck him in with his crocheted blue blankie.

I stroked his flush cheek and his little glassy eyes popped open. He sweetly said, "we fu-got to read books" followed up with "we fu-got to send yuv". It was all I could do to keep from crying and laughing all at once. "Send yuv to Aunt Doy-ya" was what he wanted to say. ('Sending love' is our way of showing gratitude and concern for those we love each night.)

I continued to rub his hair and listen to his angel voice. "There's a lion. The lion not going to hurt you. Lion might kiss you". He was referring to a baby toy still hanging from his bed. I have never seen more of a cherub face as I did tonight. I have never heard more innocent, precious words fall from anyone's mouth. All I could think of is how much love I have for this incredible little boy.

Which is what brings me to his favorite books. We skipped them tonight, but I hope he'll be well enough to hit the books tomorrow night! He's upgraded his faves from the 1.0 to the 2.5 version. (I'm talking age here people.) Here are some of the best:

Where's Spot? by Eric Hill
Harry the Dirty Dog by Gene Zion
How Does a Dinosaur Say Goodnight? by Jane Yolen
I Love You Stinky Face by Lisa McCourt

And some lesser known favorites:

The Barn Owls by Tony Johnston
to be like the Sun by Susan Marie Swanson
Mouse in a Meadow by John Himmelman
On the Seashore by Anna Milbourne and Erica-Jane Waters

fast times

It's been a whirlwind of work/family juggling this last month. I don't even know where to begin!

Let's start with the year-end celebration of my Nature Preschool in May. The final festivities felt like we were throwing a giant wedding! All went off without a hitch - even the weather cooperated - and the children had a joyful day to celebrate with loved ones.

We said good-bye to diapers Memorial Day weekend.

Fast forward two weeks to the first annual Nature Preschool Conference on June 8-9, 2012. It was a huge success! We had nearly 100 attendees from across the country and a wonderful keynote speaker, author/educator David Sobel. Marty Watson from the Dodge Nature Preschool in MN and Stephanie Bozzo's crew from the Audubon Nature Preschool in MD presented insightful perspectives on how they approach nature-based learning. I've never been more nervous, or felt more relieved, after presenting and learning from this amazing group of conference participants. I'm already making plans for next year's big conference on June 7-8, 2013 at Irvine Nature Center!

Did I mention that I booked a trip to Rehoboth and we left the day after the conference?

So, yes, crazy busy, just how I like it.

The boy is doing BEAUTIFULLY with potty training. I read "Diaper Free Before Three" by Jill Lekovic and the minute I put it down I thought, yep. Let's take this bull by the horns and dive in. Day 1 was the most difficult but we stuck to our guns! We used a pull-up on the first day at his nap and then at bed, but my clever husband said "that's confusing - if we're going to do undies we should get rid of the diapers altogether". How smart he is! On Day 2 we were totally undied up.

For your amusement, this is Day 1 of potty training.
I believe there were 9 wardrobe changes all told.
But smooth sailing from Day 2 forward!

Rehoboth Beach was a great get-away for all of us. I really wanted to re-connect with E after being pulled in so many directions for work. He loved the beach (once he took his hands off his ears). He's highly sensitive to sounds so the crashing waves, laughing children, squawking gulls, and boats took a couple of days to get used to. Thank goodness summer is here!

half birthday

Yes, we lick the brownie batter spoon. C'mon. So do you.

E draws on trellis slate easel in our new play area. It still needs a bigger piece of slate, but he loves it!

Today he's half way to three years old! What am I going to do?!

81-year-old Grammy in platform shoes

The list is long when it comes to why I love my husband's family, but it starts with a fun-loving approach to life...

...and ends with shots of birthday cake-flavored vodka. *NOTE* No hips were broken during this photo shoot!

Thanks for the new wheels, Gram!

This little man was asleep during all the fun. Seems like his new ride really wore him out!

big mouth

I'm pretty sure I'm the reason this term was invented. I'm always throwing my two cents in, whether I was asked to or not. And speaking up all the time means that a lot of the time my foot is in my mouth. (I think I'm the reason for that phrase, too.)

In case you haven't guessed, my "month of meals" was a total bust. *Sigh* Now, I'm sure you saw it coming from a mile away. You may have even chuckled under your breath, tickled to watch me self-destruct in the kitchen. Well, I'd like to think you were rooting for me. I was rooting for me. But alas, cooking every night wasn't meant to be. When my husband (yes, I'll blame him) told me "babes, I'll know you really wanted to cook every night even if you don't" that was just an easy out for a tired mama.

I don't know what other people do, but I just cannot keep up the standard! I definitely feel like I should be able to cook for one month and I can't! I'm not trying to (or at least didn't think I was) live up to an unrealistic expectation. I really didn't realize just how much I rely on the convenience of eating out. Call it spoiled, call it lazy, or just plain snobby that we'd rather buy food from a restaurant that will taste good rather than cracking open a can or frozen box of processed crap because we're too tired to cook a proper meal.

Someone does not like baby tomatoes.

"All done. That please!"

So maybe I learned something from my failed experiment: it's far more fun to cook when you don't have to; AND be grateful to feed your family healthy food no matter how the food comes about.

where'd he learn that?

Any guesses?

Fresh off a new hair cut I guess he had reason to give some 'tude. Can't imagine where he's seen that pose before...

So, you'll be happy to know that day 2 and 3 of "month of meals" were a success! The angel hair pasta with broccoli and parm was a hit (shrimp for the hubs). My homemade mac and cheese was delicious - I used cheddar and pepperjack for some zip. It was well recieved with the in-laws tonight, along with some yummy oatmeal cookies. Needless to say I'm sick of pasta so I'll have to switch it up tomorrow.

Yes, you have mastered the fridge. Now let's close it!

Because of the rain I didn't get to deal with the ivy yesterday. I mean it this time, tomorrow is the day!

month of meals?

I'm going where no modern woman has ever gone before. (Okay, that's a lie, it's just were I've never gone before.) I'm going to the land of homemade meals. Every night. For a month.

And by going to this magical place, what I really mean is making this magical place. All by myself. Except, my husband will be expected to open tight jars and shred cheese.

I love to cook. But it's something I'm often too tired to do. With warm weather here and the produce aisle looking more luscious than ever, I'm determined. Between the fresh spring fruit and my Vegetarian Times magazine, I've got all the inspiration I need.

So begins my attempt at a month of meals.

On Feb. 29 I did a trial run. Since it was leap day, best to pretend like that meal never happened. I tried to cook with fennel since I had no idea what it was. Needless to say I substituted orzo pasta for arborio rice which was disastrous. Possibly the nastiest pile of food I've ever cooked. Bless my sweet child he ate a whole bowl full of it! My husband, not so much. He's still apologizing for his obnoxiously honest reaction to my fennel fiasco.

Which means Mar. 1 is technically my day one of said month of meals. Good thing too, because I reverted to an old standby to save face. Homemade cornbread and chili is always a winner with Frito's at the bottom of the bowl. Not sure what's on the menu tonight...

can't remember when

Can't remember when I last posted and I'm too distracted to care. I don't mean to sound like a whiner today but it's one of those days. I am fortunate to have an amazing family and job I love, so please don't take this as me being ungrateful.

I'm just so frustrated. I feel like I try to do everything "right" in terms of being a parent. From the obsessively organic food during my pregnancy to the no VOC paint in the nursery to the organic cotton blankets - I feel like I've done everything in my power to keep my baby safe from harm. And now as he's a toddler, I still go to extreme lengths to ensure he's got a happy, healthy environment. A loving sitter when my husband and I aren't around, stimulating natural toys without the buzz of TV, healthy diet, and plenty of enriching classes and play dates outside our home. Lots and lots of fresh air and love and kisses.

It's not perfect, he's two. It's hard sometimes and we do our best to stay patient and loving. I read and read some more so I can (try to) be informed about the best possible ways to handle challenging situations that arise.

But there hasn't been an article out there to address what I'm feeling now.

Our sweet little baby has some challenges, beyond what other two year olds do. We had him evaluated this week and unfortunately my concerns were confirmed. Intensified. Magnified.

And it just brings me back to this frustration. Guilt. More frustration. Was there something else I could have, should have done? Is this my fault?

As public as I am with this blog, there are some things that we are private about, so I'm not ready to go into details. Yes, E will be fine and there's no life-threatening conditions to speak of. We're addressing his situation and moving forward to help him. It's just so frustrating. We do everything we can to make his life as wonderful as possible, but in creeps this unknown...

It's that much more annoying when there are so many people that thoughtlessly go about parenting and take their child's development for granted.

The snow is falling and I hear my beautiful boy stirring. Time for a walk in the quiet, gentle snow.

what the?!*?

This about sums up my week.

back on track

After a grueling week of no napping, I am happy to report we are back on track! We (and E) were exhausted and had no more tricks up our sleeves or patience to sit in his dark room and wait for him to fall asleep. Rocking him proved only to make things worse because he refused to lay down after sunggling and would wake up immediately if we tried to move him into bed. This was NOT a case of a sick baby needing comfort but a battle to stay awake at all costs!

Finally my husband uttered those words I couldn't..."we will have to let him cry it out". And within 30 minutes of crying, he was asleep for the night. Luckily he was so tired he didn't have the energy to keep it up - and he didn't get out of his bed or bang at the door, which helped me hold my breath and wait for him to settle. Then the next day at naptime, he only cried for 20 minutes. That night at bedtime he cried for 5 minutes and ever since, he's our sweet angel lying down at bedtime. Thank goodness! My sanity has returned!

home alone

What a week. I can't remember a work week/home week that felt this crazy in a LONG time.

I know I'm not the only one, but saying it's "hard" to work and be a mom is an understatement. As my husband would say, "'hard' is wearing in a new pair of boots". Saying this was a hard week just isn't strong enough.

I'm sure you know (since I love to blog about it) that I'm the director of an amazing nature preschool. It's new and growing exponentially. Working part-time may leave some people with the impression that there's somehow less work to do. Not so. It just means that I have to miraculously do all the tasks that I would be doing full-time, crunched into a part-time schedule. I am a perfectionist when it comes to the quality of my program, so it kills me when I think I could be doing something better but can't. Managing staff, teaching, communicating with families, touring prospective new ones, and evaluating our practices - these are all tasks I take very seriously. The littlest bump in the road knocks my apple cart completely off track! This week I felt like I was struggling to keep it all together.

Of course, personal stuff always affects my opinion of the big picture. Our nanny was out one day, so I needed to piece my schedule together, missing time I hadn't planned on missing. I had an extra early meeting at work one day which threw me off. We had our windows replaced this week, which meant E had to be out of the house - and as a result he DIDN'T NAP EVEN ONCE. (Do I need to spell out the implications of no nap, mommies?) And this crazy home schedule threw E off even to the point of weird waking times, but the icing on the cake was his refusal to go to bed at all on Thursday night! I'm talking two hours of sheer torture people. Add to this my excitement (yet stress) of being commissioned to paint three new paintings on a tight deadline with no time to do it...and viola! STRESS!!!

After that little rant (thanks for listening) enter our Godsend, my Mother-In-Law.

I've heard all kinds of stories about the relationships people have with their MIL, many not so nice. But mine? She's amazing and she's absolutely smitten with our son. She's always ready to talk me down from the ledge and this week was no different. She happily picked E up from work last night so that I could have a reprieve and paint.

Yes, I feel guilty for not spending time with E after working all day on Friday. But given his sleeping craziness, I'm hoping this little visit will reset things for him and help get us back on track. Besides, I'm happy that he is developing such a loving relationship with his Gram and Pop. So, despite her joking threat of feeding him Popeye's chicken (you know I'm vegetarian, right?), off he went.

This is my long way of saying I'm home alone and recovering from a crazy week. Now, if you'll excuse me I have cup of coffee and some paint waiting for me.

This is just the initial stage of the painting. I thought I'd take some photos as it develops so you can see the process.

Stage 2...

Stage 3 and still painting...

Again, just the initial stages of the painting. On this last image you can see the medium is still wet.

a tale of horrors...but hey, there's cute video!

It's fitting that Halloween is today and things are finally getting back to normal. It's been a horrific nightmare being without Internet for nearly TWO WEEKS!

You never realize just how much you need your computer until it's not there. And given the bizarre virus my computer contracted, I'm glad just to have my documents back. Mind you, all of my videos are gone, but E's baby pictures are still in tact. If I go into detail about all the vacation video, holidays, E's first bath and sled ride, etc. are lost - I'll lose it.

I knew diapers.com was convenient, but boy am I spoiled. I had to physically drive to the store for diapers. That's happened maybe two times ever since E was born two years ago. I also had to set foot in a toy store to get his birthday gift because I couldn't order it online. I was dying without my "recipe box" on allrecipes.com. I couldn't do work from home without my remote desktop so I had to drive into work on a Saturday last week to accomplish a few pressing things. Naturally I was bummed about not keeping up with the blog, too. Even though I only use the computer when E is asleep, it's amazing how much I accomplish with this tool.

I did manage to paint our kitchen a lovely shade of "cornbread" in all that freed up time.

Needless to say this is the longest I've ever gone without a post. And there's so much to say. Where to begin?

How about with my schnookie, who's been sick on and off for almost three weeks. Remember that sleep issue post? Thought it was teeth? The jury's still out but in the last two days whatever it was has come back. So last night, the joyous task of jumping out of bed for a squealing toddler at 2:30 a.m. was all mine. And at 5 a.m. And at 5:30 a.m. And at 6 a.m. Finally we "woke" up for the day at 6:45 a.m. No, the sun was not actually up yet. But his fever was gone as was his will to sleep. Sigh.

Today he's been damn near chipper despite running on fumes. Wish I could say the same for myself! (Thankfully he is napping as I write this.) Did I mention I've gone back to real coffee? Yes, I should be napping, too.

We went to our final "Mommy and Me Montessori" class this morning where we ate pumpkin muffins and sang an early happy birthday to E. I had plenty of time to bake this morning before class! It was a very sweet way to end the session. I'll have to do a whole post on my views about Montessori, at least in my limited experience with it.

With his party lurking around the corner, I'm embarrassed to say that I'm struggling to gear up. The invites literally went out with one week to reply. (And less than that for those couple that I couldn't quickly find addresses for.) How embarrassing! Luckily it will be a small party - only E's good friends and family - so I'm hopeful that everyone will be understanding. It's been a whirlwind ever since PumpkinFest the first weekend of October. The winter is fast approaching. I wish the time would slow down!

After finally getting my computer back up and running, my husband figured out how to reconnect my wireless Internet. (I LOVE HIM!) So I'm back in the saddle. You'll find all sorts of random pics and video today given the hodge podge of activity in the last two weeks. I'll definitely be adding video more often.

The nightmare is (hopefully) over. Time to gear up for some trick or treating with our little monkey tonight.

We went to Clark's Elioak Farm in Howard County, MD.
It was the perfect fall day with E's aunt and cousin.

Ooo! Sheep!

Cousin D dutifully points out the baby goats.

Hay wagon ride!

Mouth full of apple, just like Dada.

E helps make homemade cinnamon pancakes.

am I dreaming? part deux

You'll have to read the first am I dreaming? post to really appreciate this one. But all I can say is hallelujah! I woke up this morning and it was light outside. My toddler was still sleeping! Given the success of our big weekend event at work, we've deemed this a PumpkinFest Miracle.

I tried the new game plan on day three (yesterday) when he woke at 6 a.m. - rock, snuggle, and sing in his room until the sun was up. Our house was calm and we had a great morning together. He even had a two hour afternoon nap (still not his usual three hours, but better than one). His bedtime routine was our usual snuggle story time followed by daddy tooth brushing. Then he went to bed at 8:30 p.m. And he slept until after 7 a.m.!

I don't want to jinx it. But maybe the stars have aligned once again? Could my good sleeper be back?

We are in no-man's-land about the two year molars. I don't think they are in yet, so I'm sure we could be dealing with this for a couple of weeks. I'll be sure to ask the pediatrician when we go for our two year check up.

am I dreaming? toddler sleep issues strike

My wonderfully sound sleeping baby has had two brutal nights of toddler sleep regression. Please tell me this is a bad dream!

Now, I know there are some people that may be rooting for this news from me. After all, my kiddo started sleeping through the night at 2 months and never turned back. You might be thinking "Ha! Finally!" I get it, we've been very fortunate in the sleep department. But now this. 

A 5 a.m.wake up call. Seriously? Doesn't he know I am overseeing a HUGE special event this weekend and I need to sleep?

And what to do?

I'm sure we did EVERYTHING wrong in our sleepy haze. Well, we tried to provide comfort, let him settle down, and put him back in bed. After several unsuccessful attempts, we calmly told him (from outside his door) he needed to do "night nights" because it was still dark.

And then we did the unthinkable. We let him cry.

I stood outside his door as he cried, yelled, banged, pulled on the door, and whimpered, begging for us to comfort him. It felt wrong. I knew it was wrong, letting my baby cry like that. I felt like we were punishing him because he couldn't sleep. We've been such loving parents to him. He must be crushed to think we turned on him when he needed comfort. I feel HORRIBLE about this.

But I had all those obnoxious, well-meaning voices in my head saying "he's going to have to learn he has to stay in bed". I hate myself for not trusting my own instincts.

We know our baby. We've worked hard to establish a loving, trusting relationship with him. Not to mention happy, safe, relaxing sleep routines.

Naturally, I turned to the internet to see if other people have experienced this with their toddlers (he'll be two next month) and what potentially causes this. Here's what I gleaned from my "research":

Maybe he's too little to be in a bed. For his safety, we had to take one side off the crib a couple of months ago and replace it with a rail because he was trying to climb out. But some people say toddlers lack the self-control to stay put once they realize they can get out. I don't think this is the problem. At least, not yet.

Maybe he's hitting a milestone. Some sites suggest that when babies are focused on a new skill (like younger babies before they learn to crawl or walk), their sleep patterns regress. I had heard of this before and this could make sense since he's starting to talk. Maybe he's just so revved up that he can't unwind.

Maybe he's having bad dreams. Toddlers' memories get stronger so they can replay images in their heads and remember dreams. He's not in a scary environment, but then, remembering the neighbors dog jumping up on him or our cat chasing the local fox might seem pretty scary to him. This bad dream explanation would make sense since his afternoon nap is cut short and he is waking between 5-6 a.m.

Maybe he's cutting his 2-year molars. YIKES! The WHAT? Yeah, somehow I didn't get the memo on this one and wasn't smart enough to put two and two together. He's been drooling alot and I thought I saw some little bumps around his chin a few days ago. Why didn't I realize that was a rash from the drool? Then today at the store, he bit his snack and winced, then stuck his finger in his mouth. Yeah, I'm thinking this is what the problem is.

So there we were. Cliche ignorant, tired parents debating what to do and failing miserably. I feel sick to my stomach about this - him screaming and crying in pain. I should have trusted my gut to comfort him.  Here are more reasons not to let your toddler "cry it out":

-You have to de-sensitize yourself to your baby's cries.
-You have to ignore your instincts as a parent. Why would we want to do that again? To follow inaccurate theories from people 50 years ago?
-You potentially overlook health issues or illness (in our case teething).
-He's got two years of great sleep habits under his belt, so this is just a temporary sleep disturbance. Figure out the cause and address it. Making him cry will not improve things if the problem is physical. In effect, you'll be punishing him for waking that is out of his control and losing sleep over it as he cries.
-He'll start to fear going to sleep because it will no longer feel like a safe, peaceful environment. (This will then impact naps and betimes.)

New game plan: Wake up as soon as he does, no matter how early. Rock, snuggle, and sing. Hope that he falls asleep in my arms and that I fall asleep, too. Hope that he forgives us.

meet the barber

Is it just me, or does this kid need a hair cut?

I don't need no stinkin' hair cut!

Try to catch me, mom!

The "turkey tail" fungus was too cool to pass by.

But seriously. Time to meet the barber.
E: Are you guys sure about this?

Well, I guess this isn't so bad...

Why are mom and dad torturing me? This guy has scissors!

You'll be happy to know that the hair cut did, eventually, come to an end. I can't say it was a good hair cut, but it's definitely shorter now! Poor little guy! And by the way, since when is a toddler's hair cut $16?!

latest tricks, courtesy of Houdini

There have been lots of changes in our household recently. Our little man is getting SO BIG! (Just picture him raising his arms to the sky.)

First off, while we were on vacation, we awoke to a frustrated/terrified scream as E was precariously hovering across the length of the pack-n-play. He had swung his leg and arm over the top to crawl out, but got stuck like a leopard hanging on a tree branch. Only apparently less comfortable. So the hubs and I looked at each other and knew we'd have to do something about the crib situation at home.

About two weeks prior to vacation we'd seen him try to get his toes up over the top of the crib. He's still so young that we weren't ready to consider switching him to a bed. But after the episode at the beach, we weren't willing to take any chances that he'd try the same move at home and fall out. So, we took one side off his crib. (It converts to a toddler bed). Gulp.

The first day he took a nap and could SEE that the side was gone, he jumped right out of bed and cried desperately trying to get out of his room. I think he was afraid and didn't feel safe, despite the bed rail. I snuggled and assured him that he is okay and that this is still where he does his "nappies". I laid him back in bed and that was that. He hasn't gotten out of bed again since. (Knock on wood.) I'm sure when he starts feeling more confident about getting in and out of bed, it will be a new ball game.

So that's been a big change - the mental shift that our boy isn't in a crib anymore, but a big boy bed. (Okay, okay, he's still technically in his crib just with one side missing, but you know what I mean!)

That's not the Houdini part, though.

Before breakfast last week, I was doing some dishes while E was playing. I turned to see what he was up to and there he was - in his highchair. Mind you, I did not put him in! I was in shock as to how he got himself in. I took him out and then watched in amazement. He pushed the highchair away from the table, then scaled right up the front and turned himself around in the seat! While I was terrified at the sheer speed of his act, I was also proud of this impressive feat!

He's got another trick here lately involving his fridge magnets. The trick is to see if they will sink or swim in kitty's water bowl.
Where has my baby gone??? He's growing up way too fast! 



volatile toddler cocktail

Feels like a long time since I wrote. What can I say? The 4th of July was wonderful here - great food and family at our place. No fireworks since we don't want to scare E and spoil our fireworks for the next decade. E noticed our neighbors' flags lining the yard, which was his first formal introduction to the USA flag. I summed it up for him: "This is a very special flag. This is the American flag. You are a very lucky boy that you were born in America."

Despite all the fun we've had here in the last couple of weeks, I guess you can say I'm not my usual peppy self. This is because I'm fighting to keep my cool! I know I'm being too hard on myself but I can't help it. E has a mind of his own and I'm finding it hard to stay patient. (I'm sure experienced moms are getting a hearty chuckle out of my novice anguish!)

This is definitely a change of pace from my calm, cooing infant. E is so busy! I spend my days chasing him most of the time. I've read all there is to read about toddler behavior and talked to everyone I know that's survived it. Everybody's got an opinion. Some suggestions are out of the question and others insinuate that I am not firm enough or that I am overly concerned. It's so frustrating!

So, again, like in my "smack down" post, I'm just trusting my gut. And ignoring any annoying people that may be judging me. I'm doing the best I can people!

What's the big deal, you ask? Well, here's what I'm working with:

Naptime. The honeymoon of two naps is over. Just one. Seriously, need I say more?

No More Bottle. Our doctor suggested by 18 months he should be weaned off the bottle. (I'm still mourning our time nursing, which we concluded at 14 months.) So finally, at 20 months, we've made the transition to exclusive sippy cups. Which means he's not my snuggle bunny with a bottle anymore. It's so sad!

Running. He's doing his damnedest to run, or something very close to it. Heaven help us when it's in full effect.

Busy, Determined, and Curious. These are all excellent and productive traits which may serve him well someday. But as a toddler...good grief!

Toilet. It's time to install that lock. Fingers splashing in the toilet (and kitty's water bowl) every chance he gets. Ewww.

Climbing. Much like Mount Everest, our house is apparently full of exciting ledges to scale. Window sills, baby gates, book shelves - all sorts of dangerous things. I'm worried the crib could be next!

Smacking and Throwing. Ah yes, a personal favorite. The smacking continues. I've tried to be firm and raise my voice to let him know that "hitting is not nice. We don't hit mommy!". Unfortunately, all this does is give him my undivided attention (which is generally what he wanted) and in a negative way. So now when I sense a smack coming on, I get down on his level and ask him what he needs. Then I try a tickle match, game, or quick story if there's time. Or I let him up to see what I'm making in the kitchen. We've also taught him how to "high five" which can satisfy his need to smack in a positive, appropriate way. This has curtailed some of it, thankfully. But when he gives me a good smack out of defiance, I still feel like I need to be firm and let him know I'm serious - it's rude, disrespectful, and not acceptable - but again, when I let it anger me, it only feeds his need for attention. So therein lies the dilemma. Another tactic that is proving effective is to take his hand and show him that hands are for being gentle. Then when he starts to smack I ask him to show me "gentle hands" and he starts rubbing my arm or leg.

This volatile toddler cocktail is largely responsible for my need to take a break. Time for mommy to step away, even if only overnight. (I wouldn't be comfortable leaving him for more than one night anyhow!) My sis is going to be in NYC this weekend so my plan is to meet up with her. Hallelujah! It's been four years since I've been to the MOMA and I'm dying to go! I haven't seen my sis since Christmas, so it would be a great little trip if I can swing it...I am in desperate need!

puttin' the smack down



"I would never throw these books across the room, mom."

If you were wondering why my posts have been a little sparse lately, it has something to do with the recent battles going on around here. No, not the ones between my husband and me when we both want to lick the brownie beater. Something far more difficult to reconcile...

Seems our little peanut is becoming his own man. This transformation, apparently, is going to begin with smacking and throwing things.

It's not exactly a newsflash, but no, our nearly 20 month old can't communicate very well. He's got some token words and signs down pat and he's eagerly learning more. But when he has a passionate yearning to accomplish something or figure something out and he CAN'T, all hell breaks loose. Sounds familiar?

Luckily, he knows how to ask for "alp". Usually accompanied with desperation in his voice, "alp" is cried while desperately signing. When he asks for "alp", it's great. But other other times, anger gets the better of him and all he wants to do is throw or smack things out of frustration.

Which leads me into the next aspect of his frustration: authority. Fresh out of infancy, my toddler is eager to do things his way. On his time table. Usually he can be coaxed or distracted into compliance. Singing songs, making silly faces or weird noises, asking him to make animal sounds, or breaking out a long lost toy will all distract him. Providing choices is empowering to him as well. But alas, these are not foolproof nor always practical ways to avoid a meltdown. It's exhausting!

Just when I thought I had the whole 'calm baby thing' down pat, my little guy has to go and smack me. Sigh.

So what to do? React sharply by yelling? That could just encourage him to get a rise (and negative attention) from me. Which probably means more smacking in the future.

Give a time out? That may send a message that he's unlovable when he's upset. And he would be totally baffled as to why mommy - loving mommy - wants him to cry all alone with no comfort. Leave him alone when he's already frustrated and can't communicate why? It seems cruel.

But then, I know with my preschoolers time outs occasionally (very rarely) are necessary. It does help older kids know that sometimes they need some personal space to cool off and calm down. Consequences and limits are important to help children feel secure, especially in a large group setting. Time out is never used as a source of embarrassment, but a way for a child to gather his or her thoughts and approach a conflict from a new direction. But my 20 month old can't possibly get all that.

Ignore the smacking and throwing? Well clearly this option makes me a permissive pushover. And doesn't help teach him the behaviors that we desire - not to hit or throw things!

Add to the confusion that it's okay to hit a drum or throw a ball. Some things are for hitting and throwing, not others. This confusion explains why my tot is going around the house (and the yard) hitting and throwing things of all shapes and sizes, then looking back at me with a questioning glance. "Can I hit this mom?"

More sighs.

So, there's my dilemma. And probably the same dilemma of all parents of toddlers around the globe. I'm wrestling with what to do about gently correcting behavior in a loving but serious, meaningful way. I want to model empathy so that he knows he is respected and loved no mater what. (No, I don't think that is fluffy or a bunch of bunk.) I don't want to make a "mistake" in these early stages of discipline even though I know there's no easy answer or quick fix. Besides, I know I've already made lots of mistakes and more are on the way. C'mon: screwing up the consistency of his baby food puree is WAY more forgivable then screwing up his foundation of positive discipline.



This is going to end badly. One of us will cry.



After all, no one wants to end up with a Bratty, Ungrateful, Unruly, Little Giant.

So I am committed to trying a combination of things because hey, this parenting gig is all about trial and error. One thing is for sure, he's too small for time outs. I'm not sure that's a route I ever want to go after researching it more thoroughly. It can set up a power struggle which is not what I want to do. Here's an interesting article I read on the topic. What do you think?

For now, I'll keep taking my licks in stride. And savoring the kisses and snuggles whenever I can get them.

dethroned

I thought that I was the queen bee when it comes to E. I thought that I was the apple of his eye. Given that I gave birth to him and all (and destroyed my figure in the process) I foolishly assumed that I would always be his "go to". You know, anytime there is a boo-boo or he's scared or he needs a reassuring snuggle, I'd be top pick.

Seems I have been dethroned by my husband!

We've had a couple of little incidents here recently where E very deliberately wanted his dada instead of me. What a blow to my ego! I couldn't help but feel a little hurt, even though I know it's completely irrational! When I saw my little guy's arms go flying in the direction of dad, I was crushed. My comfort wasn't good enough. Daddy reigned superior.

Please tell me someone else can relate? I'm not crazy, am I?

I hope you know that I am writing this with a bittersweet chuckle. I am grateful that my husband spends copious amounts of time parenting - far more than most dads I know. And E reaps all the benefits of a loving, trusting relationship with his dad. They have a special connection. E looks to his papa for security and love. It is the most precious thing to watch my boys together. I don't care if it sounds cliche - it really does melt my heart.

For us, it's far better for us to divide the labor, so to speak, when it comes to E. Since the initial couple of tough months when he was born we've gradually gotten better and better with this. I am sure this is why E is so close with each of us. My husband trusts me to do my best, and I trust him to do the same. I don't step in and tell him how to be a dad, and he doesn't tell me how to be a mom. We each do our parenting in our own way. It feels just perfect, exactly as it should be.

So don't take my silly complaint serious, okay? I'm glad that daddy is the hero sometimes. To me, this is how it should be - a shared throne. As long as my boys remember who the queen bee is around here, we'll be just fine!