oh cheese

Those little wooden animals just didn't want to fit inside the the barn. "Oh jeeze! They keep falling out!" I joke. Pause. Then out of no where, unbridled laughter. "Oh cheese!" he squeals and giggles. "Oh cheese!" Don't you just love their sweet, pure laugh?

The school year is barreling closer and I'm wresting again with major mommy guilt. Say what you will about how adaptable kids are, I get it, but that doesn't take away the aches and pangs of guilt I feel most days I'm away from him.

Yes, there are days that I don't feel that ache. And then I feel guilty about that, too.

Anyone who knows me knows how passionate I am about my work and how much I love my job. Before having children I was always the last one out the door, staying until it was dark outside knowing full well I'd never recover all that overtime. I didn't care - there was just so much to do. I was (and still am) hyper-motivated about innovating programs and teaching. Especially as it pertains to getting messy.

Now that I've built an incredible program, brick by brick (or more accurately leaf by leaf), that same ambition grows. In fact, it's insatiable.

Given the work that I do as an educator, I feel proud. Proud of the profound and lasting effects my work has on students, families and other educators. My work also plays a great role in my own child's life when he enters our nature preschool next year. This is more than just a job. It is how I define myself and how I share my values with the community. I have an amazing career that goes beyond punching a clock, collecting a paycheck and racing like a bat out of hell when it's five.

There you have the dynamic. When I'm not with E or thinking about spending time with him and my husband, then I'm obsessing (and dreaming) about work.

With the on-going reminder of the graduate coursework I put on the shelf nine years ago, and then revisiting the idea again last fall, I continue to struggle with my work family balance. I long to further my career so that my reach goes beyond the one program I've created. I want my reach to be national. International. And I'm not far off from achieving those goals. The more I work with educators, the greater impact my vision will have.

So I'm longing to complete my Masters coursework, once and for all. Well, until I go on to pursue my Doctorate.

And then I'll go back as a feisty little old lady and get that MFA in painting.

Did I mention I completed those three painting commissions? They are finally out the door! But I digress...

The point is, I always want to thinking long term. I have a lot of career left! But this fight in me to do more with my career is always tempered with the guilt and struggle of more time away from my son. In this case, it's only three hours of class. But it's an intense three hours on top of a day away from him at work first. And that three hours means more childcare or juggling with my husband on top of our crazy opposite schedules.

How do you put the brakes on a career at the exact moment in time when momentum is at its greatest? How do you explain that urgency to people around you that can't recognize the power and potential of this ambition? How do you justify or reconcile more demands of mommy's time with an overworked husband and a toddler at home?

Ah the demands of a modern mommy. Oh cheese.

Assateague Island: a little calm after the storm

What impecable timing. Our professional development weekend in Ocean City gave me lots of space to reflect and recharge after feeling so worried about E. The core preschool staff visited Assateague Island and it felt like being on another planet. It was calm and wild. It felt remote, no doubt because it's winter, and was full of amazing nuggets to discover.

home alone

What a week. I can't remember a work week/home week that felt this crazy in a LONG time.

I know I'm not the only one, but saying it's "hard" to work and be a mom is an understatement. As my husband would say, "'hard' is wearing in a new pair of boots". Saying this was a hard week just isn't strong enough.

I'm sure you know (since I love to blog about it) that I'm the director of an amazing nature preschool. It's new and growing exponentially. Working part-time may leave some people with the impression that there's somehow less work to do. Not so. It just means that I have to miraculously do all the tasks that I would be doing full-time, crunched into a part-time schedule. I am a perfectionist when it comes to the quality of my program, so it kills me when I think I could be doing something better but can't. Managing staff, teaching, communicating with families, touring prospective new ones, and evaluating our practices - these are all tasks I take very seriously. The littlest bump in the road knocks my apple cart completely off track! This week I felt like I was struggling to keep it all together.

Of course, personal stuff always affects my opinion of the big picture. Our nanny was out one day, so I needed to piece my schedule together, missing time I hadn't planned on missing. I had an extra early meeting at work one day which threw me off. We had our windows replaced this week, which meant E had to be out of the house - and as a result he DIDN'T NAP EVEN ONCE. (Do I need to spell out the implications of no nap, mommies?) And this crazy home schedule threw E off even to the point of weird waking times, but the icing on the cake was his refusal to go to bed at all on Thursday night! I'm talking two hours of sheer torture people. Add to this my excitement (yet stress) of being commissioned to paint three new paintings on a tight deadline with no time to do it...and viola! STRESS!!!

After that little rant (thanks for listening) enter our Godsend, my Mother-In-Law.

I've heard all kinds of stories about the relationships people have with their MIL, many not so nice. But mine? She's amazing and she's absolutely smitten with our son. She's always ready to talk me down from the ledge and this week was no different. She happily picked E up from work last night so that I could have a reprieve and paint.

Yes, I feel guilty for not spending time with E after working all day on Friday. But given his sleeping craziness, I'm hoping this little visit will reset things for him and help get us back on track. Besides, I'm happy that he is developing such a loving relationship with his Gram and Pop. So, despite her joking threat of feeding him Popeye's chicken (you know I'm vegetarian, right?), off he went.

This is my long way of saying I'm home alone and recovering from a crazy week. Now, if you'll excuse me I have cup of coffee and some paint waiting for me.

This is just the initial stage of the painting. I thought I'd take some photos as it develops so you can see the process.

Stage 2...

Stage 3 and still painting...

Again, just the initial stages of the painting. On this last image you can see the medium is still wet.

boost of NYC energy

Leave it to NYC to spark positive energy in me. I needed a break and I jumped at the chance to mooch a free hotel room from my sister. I met up with her on Saturday morning after a scrumptiously relaxing train ride there. Have you ever heard of a "quiet car"? Oh yes, they exist, but only on trains. We're talking coffee and a journal writing session that was totally uninterrupted. For hours. I think I could have stayed in that quiet car all weekend!

From Baltimore, it takes under three hours to get there, so I've got no excuse for not visiting more often.

Anyhow, my sister greeted me at the station rearing to go. We grabbed a bite to catch up before catching a matinee on Broadway. We saw "Catch Me If You Can" (yes, like the movie with Leonardo DiCaprio and Tom Hanks). It was AWESOME! I loved every minute of it. Too bad you can't take pictures inside. The grouchy lady beside me was quick to point this out.

We got our shopping fix all afternoon and then found a great Cuban restaurant with live music for a late dinner.

The highlight came on Sunday went we spent the day at the Met. What an incredible collection! I barely scratched the surface because you could spend days there and not see everything. Being the modern art girl that I am, I made a bee-line for their modern and contemporary art wings. Don't worry, my gracious sis was happy to wait in the HOUR LONG LINE to view the special Alexander McQueen exhibition.

I took tons of photos of my favorite art, which I'll share here. (Artists, please forgive me for photographing without your permission!) These works are too amazing not share. Which is your favorite?

Classic Cezanne - father of modern art by some definitions.

De Kooning's Easter Monday. This is newspaper and oil on canvas. I find his work incredibly expressive and free. This is a huge influence on my own painting.

Klimt here. A piece that appears unfinished but still rich in colorful pattern. Gorgeous.

Another hugely important figure in art, Braque's The Studio. Braque played a pivotal role in the cubist movement, having a profound impact on Picasso.

Quintessential Matisse.

Aren't these sculptures the best? They are right at home among the Warhol and Lichtenstein pop art.

A sweet and classic portrait by Renoir.

Barnett Newman. I love color field paintings. They are so direct. This really celebrates the nuances of the paint hues and the subtle textures of the paint on the surface.

This is a breath-taking piece (center) made by Anselm Keifer. It depicts a field of poppies with a road cutting through the center. Also note the incredible Chuck Close portrait on the right.

A seascape by Paul Signac. This gets at the heart of the pointillist movement.

Just another fabulous day in the big city.

volatile toddler cocktail

Feels like a long time since I wrote. What can I say? The 4th of July was wonderful here - great food and family at our place. No fireworks since we don't want to scare E and spoil our fireworks for the next decade. E noticed our neighbors' flags lining the yard, which was his first formal introduction to the USA flag. I summed it up for him: "This is a very special flag. This is the American flag. You are a very lucky boy that you were born in America."

Despite all the fun we've had here in the last couple of weeks, I guess you can say I'm not my usual peppy self. This is because I'm fighting to keep my cool! I know I'm being too hard on myself but I can't help it. E has a mind of his own and I'm finding it hard to stay patient. (I'm sure experienced moms are getting a hearty chuckle out of my novice anguish!)

This is definitely a change of pace from my calm, cooing infant. E is so busy! I spend my days chasing him most of the time. I've read all there is to read about toddler behavior and talked to everyone I know that's survived it. Everybody's got an opinion. Some suggestions are out of the question and others insinuate that I am not firm enough or that I am overly concerned. It's so frustrating!

So, again, like in my "smack down" post, I'm just trusting my gut. And ignoring any annoying people that may be judging me. I'm doing the best I can people!

What's the big deal, you ask? Well, here's what I'm working with:

Naptime. The honeymoon of two naps is over. Just one. Seriously, need I say more?

No More Bottle. Our doctor suggested by 18 months he should be weaned off the bottle. (I'm still mourning our time nursing, which we concluded at 14 months.) So finally, at 20 months, we've made the transition to exclusive sippy cups. Which means he's not my snuggle bunny with a bottle anymore. It's so sad!

Running. He's doing his damnedest to run, or something very close to it. Heaven help us when it's in full effect.

Busy, Determined, and Curious. These are all excellent and productive traits which may serve him well someday. But as a toddler...good grief!

Toilet. It's time to install that lock. Fingers splashing in the toilet (and kitty's water bowl) every chance he gets. Ewww.

Climbing. Much like Mount Everest, our house is apparently full of exciting ledges to scale. Window sills, baby gates, book shelves - all sorts of dangerous things. I'm worried the crib could be next!

Smacking and Throwing. Ah yes, a personal favorite. The smacking continues. I've tried to be firm and raise my voice to let him know that "hitting is not nice. We don't hit mommy!". Unfortunately, all this does is give him my undivided attention (which is generally what he wanted) and in a negative way. So now when I sense a smack coming on, I get down on his level and ask him what he needs. Then I try a tickle match, game, or quick story if there's time. Or I let him up to see what I'm making in the kitchen. We've also taught him how to "high five" which can satisfy his need to smack in a positive, appropriate way. This has curtailed some of it, thankfully. But when he gives me a good smack out of defiance, I still feel like I need to be firm and let him know I'm serious - it's rude, disrespectful, and not acceptable - but again, when I let it anger me, it only feeds his need for attention. So therein lies the dilemma. Another tactic that is proving effective is to take his hand and show him that hands are for being gentle. Then when he starts to smack I ask him to show me "gentle hands" and he starts rubbing my arm or leg.

This volatile toddler cocktail is largely responsible for my need to take a break. Time for mommy to step away, even if only overnight. (I wouldn't be comfortable leaving him for more than one night anyhow!) My sis is going to be in NYC this weekend so my plan is to meet up with her. Hallelujah! It's been four years since I've been to the MOMA and I'm dying to go! I haven't seen my sis since Christmas, so it would be a great little trip if I can swing it...I am in desperate need!

big bug love

While clipping our nasty, uncontrollable forsythia hedges today, I kept coming across all kinds of amazing insects. I have a real love of all things buggy, so I thought I'd share. (And please pardon some of the sub-par photos - my camera is nothing fancy so it's limited on the macro setting.)

This was very close to the cicada. I think it had just emerged!

I'd like to think this preying mantis is one that I rescued. I found 6 or 7 of them in our bathroom about a week ago...

Not the best photo, but tons of fireflies resting on the leaves.

Check out this critter - it looks a lot like a firefly, but look again. See how the head sticks out? I think this is a kind of soldier beetle.

This little beauty was resting in the weeds.

I love a good hairy spider! This one was on the prowl on our shed door.

Don't know what this fly is, but I've seen them before. I'm going to try and look it up.

super human powers? favorite places?

One of my colleagues is put together a "getting to know you" staff board and sent out some questions for us to answer and post for all to see. My immediate reaction was, "GREAT. Homework."

But as I read down the list of questions, I found them to be amusing if not thought-provoking. And pretty revealing for those that give honest answers.

"If you could have one super-human power, what would it be and why?"

I didn't answer this one because I was too embarrassed, but I don't mind telling you! If I could have a super-human power it would be the power to instantly detect and remove any evil, nasty thoughts of people around me. I would fly to far-off lands and try to get close to those terrible dictators and gorilla war mafias - just close enough to be in the same air space - so that I could erase all of their evil ways. I would mingle with politicians in D.C. I would visit my local mechanics and contractors and car salespeople (since, though cliche, I've been duped by all of them). I'd go to prisons and visit inmates. I visit drug rehabs and schools. There's so much good I could do!

It would be a great power to have. But then again, it would only make the world a better place if I were able to meet a whole lot of "bad guys". And, I guess I would want this power to permanently erase the evil thoughts. It would be tricky because culturally some things are acceptable in one place while they may be considered "evil" in another. That would be tough to work around...

Oh, and the power would have to work on me, too.

Okay, then again, there's supposed to be opposition to all things good, right? So, maybe this wouldn't make things better after all? Who am I to be the evil-thought police anyway?! Ug. I give up. This is clearly why no one has bestowed any super human powers on me. You can see why I didn't end up answering this question for the quote board...

But the question I DID choose to answer was "what is your favorite place in the whole world?"

I've been to a few places. Not many in America, actually. I've done lots of travelling in Europe. But I'm not all that well-traveled compared to some globe trotters. There have been some amazing places that I've seen. The ruins of a monastery in England, the incredible castles in France, the sun-drenched coastline in Portugal, rural landscapes in Scotland, La Guernica by Picasso in Spain - I've seen some awe-inspiring things abroad.

When I think of favorite places in the U.S., as I say, I'm a bit limited geographically speaking. But I've explored many miles of forest along the Gunpowder River and along the shores of the Chesapeake Bay. Nothing beats a seine net full of crayfish on a hot summer day, especially when you're sharing the experience with children. I've been to a few states but by no means have I seen the whole country. I feel very fortunate that Maryland (and the East Coast) has so many diverse regions. I can honestly say I love where I live.

Giving this more thought, it's no surprise that my favorite place is my own yard. It's my own piece of, not heaven, but life carved out in grass, bugs, weeds, stones, and flowers. It's what I make it. And it's my favorite place of all.

For starters, my family is always near: my husband and my babe and my cat. But the physical place, the space that is my yard, is a sanctuary that I try to build every day. Even though it's work, I love to do it. And when I think about my yard and the gardens which are in constant flux, I think about the time I spend sharing it with my son. You've seen the blog, you know how much time we spend outdoors. It's our life!

So what could have been a mundane work task became a fun exercise for my brain. There are still so many places to go, so many places to see and love. But the verdict is in on my favorite place in the whole world: home.

coffee and rain boots

His first morning chore: feed the cat. Look how he does it with such panache - him and "ank" (blankie).

It's one of those rare mornings where my eyes popped open before E's. Even though I should have rolled back over for some more shut eye, I opted for solitude with my coffee. Granted, my cat is trying to hump my arm even as I type this, but that's just status quo around here.

We've been swimming in a deluge of rain the last several days. I'm always grateful for it when my plants are thirsty, but it starts to get depressing after a while. Last night E was begging "at! at!" which means "out! out!". Now that he knows how to ask to go outside, it's a constant. No complaints, he's my little nature boy so it's to be expected. But I feel terrible when the rain just won't let up!

The good news? I just got him his first pair of rain boots. Now there's no stopping us!

yoga in the bathroom?

Oh yes, I said it. Yoga in the bathroom.

It all started after a L-O-N-G day. Little guy needed a bath and mommy needed a breather. Both needed to happen in a bad way. And voila - it was born. Yoga in the bathroom.

Now, obviously my child's safety comes first. First I set up his bath and got him situated with toys. My bathroom is small enough that even mid-downward dog I can reach for my kid. Okay, so it's not a deep, meditative experience because I am always present enough to keep my eye on bathing babe. But I still get some much needed stretches in. E laughs when I do my forward bend and pretend to kiss him. He looks at me like I'm crazy in my warrior pose.

Mostly I crave relaxation from slow breathing and back stretches. Lately my back has been so sore, noticeably aching once I lay down for the night. When I get up each morning I'm in pain. I'm sure it's from my healthy, steadily growing toddler who's reached a whopping 24 pounds. The yoga helps, especially when I can jump into a class alone. But I'll take yoga in the bathroom if I have to!