Can't remember when I last posted and I'm too distracted to care. I don't mean to sound like a whiner today but it's one of those days. I am fortunate to have an amazing family and job I love, so please don't take this as me being ungrateful.
I'm just so frustrated. I feel like I try to do everything "right" in terms of being a parent. From the obsessively organic food during my pregnancy to the no VOC paint in the nursery to the organic cotton blankets - I feel like I've done everything in my power to keep my baby safe from harm. And now as he's a toddler, I still go to extreme lengths to ensure he's got a happy, healthy environment. A loving sitter when my husband and I aren't around, stimulating natural toys without the buzz of TV, healthy diet, and plenty of enriching classes and play dates outside our home. Lots and lots of fresh air and love and kisses.
It's not perfect, he's two. It's hard sometimes and we do our best to stay patient and loving. I read and read some more so I can (try to) be informed about the best possible ways to handle challenging situations that arise.
But there hasn't been an article out there to address what I'm feeling now.
Our sweet little baby has some challenges, beyond what other two year olds do. We had him evaluated this week and unfortunately my concerns were confirmed. Intensified. Magnified.
And it just brings me back to this frustration. Guilt. More frustration. Was there something else I could have, should have done? Is this my fault?
As public as I am with this blog, there are some things that we are private about, so I'm not ready to go into details. Yes, E will be fine and there's no life-threatening conditions to speak of. We're addressing his situation and moving forward to help him. It's just so frustrating. We do everything we can to make his life as wonderful as possible, but in creeps this unknown...
It's that much more annoying when there are so many people that thoughtlessly go about parenting and take their child's development for granted.
The snow is falling and I hear my beautiful boy stirring. Time for a walk in the quiet, gentle snow.
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Yes, peas are delicious - and funny!
Our little guy at 15 months, February 2011.
I know your family isn't so much religious as spiritual, but you are in our prays and thoughts.
ReplyDeleteLove to you at a very scary and challenging time.
ReplyDeleteThere are many wonderfully supportive communities on the net which will help to normalise your feelings if you end up with a diagnosis of some sort, and they will help you with the multitude of questions you'll have. Keep posting when you're ready to share, and I'll try to point you at some helpful places.
The most important things to remember: you are NOT alone; you aren't responsible for the vagaries of nature (think instead of how far ahead of the game you are in terms of healthy environment- many children with diagnoses come from backgrounds of terrible diet and infinite screen time); parents have survived this before, and you will too.
Hardest part? Maybe giving up that dream we all have of a 'perfect' child. There's no such thing, but that won't help you right now as you grieve for the lost dream. Let yourself feel it- you have to go through it, not around it.
Big hugs to you all.