home alone

What a week. I can't remember a work week/home week that felt this crazy in a LONG time.

I know I'm not the only one, but saying it's "hard" to work and be a mom is an understatement. As my husband would say, "'hard' is wearing in a new pair of boots". Saying this was a hard week just isn't strong enough.

I'm sure you know (since I love to blog about it) that I'm the director of an amazing nature preschool. It's new and growing exponentially. Working part-time may leave some people with the impression that there's somehow less work to do. Not so. It just means that I have to miraculously do all the tasks that I would be doing full-time, crunched into a part-time schedule. I am a perfectionist when it comes to the quality of my program, so it kills me when I think I could be doing something better but can't. Managing staff, teaching, communicating with families, touring prospective new ones, and evaluating our practices - these are all tasks I take very seriously. The littlest bump in the road knocks my apple cart completely off track! This week I felt like I was struggling to keep it all together.

Of course, personal stuff always affects my opinion of the big picture. Our nanny was out one day, so I needed to piece my schedule together, missing time I hadn't planned on missing. I had an extra early meeting at work one day which threw me off. We had our windows replaced this week, which meant E had to be out of the house - and as a result he DIDN'T NAP EVEN ONCE. (Do I need to spell out the implications of no nap, mommies?) And this crazy home schedule threw E off even to the point of weird waking times, but the icing on the cake was his refusal to go to bed at all on Thursday night! I'm talking two hours of sheer torture people. Add to this my excitement (yet stress) of being commissioned to paint three new paintings on a tight deadline with no time to do it...and viola! STRESS!!!

After that little rant (thanks for listening) enter our Godsend, my Mother-In-Law.

I've heard all kinds of stories about the relationships people have with their MIL, many not so nice. But mine? She's amazing and she's absolutely smitten with our son. She's always ready to talk me down from the ledge and this week was no different. She happily picked E up from work last night so that I could have a reprieve and paint.

Yes, I feel guilty for not spending time with E after working all day on Friday. But given his sleeping craziness, I'm hoping this little visit will reset things for him and help get us back on track. Besides, I'm happy that he is developing such a loving relationship with his Gram and Pop. So, despite her joking threat of feeding him Popeye's chicken (you know I'm vegetarian, right?), off he went.

This is my long way of saying I'm home alone and recovering from a crazy week. Now, if you'll excuse me I have cup of coffee and some paint waiting for me.

This is just the initial stage of the painting. I thought I'd take some photos as it develops so you can see the process.

Stage 2...

Stage 3 and still painting...

Again, just the initial stages of the painting. On this last image you can see the medium is still wet.

am I dreaming? toddler sleep issues strike

My wonderfully sound sleeping baby has had two brutal nights of toddler sleep regression. Please tell me this is a bad dream!

Now, I know there are some people that may be rooting for this news from me. After all, my kiddo started sleeping through the night at 2 months and never turned back. You might be thinking "Ha! Finally!" I get it, we've been very fortunate in the sleep department. But now this. 

A 5 a.m.wake up call. Seriously? Doesn't he know I am overseeing a HUGE special event this weekend and I need to sleep?

And what to do?

I'm sure we did EVERYTHING wrong in our sleepy haze. Well, we tried to provide comfort, let him settle down, and put him back in bed. After several unsuccessful attempts, we calmly told him (from outside his door) he needed to do "night nights" because it was still dark.

And then we did the unthinkable. We let him cry.

I stood outside his door as he cried, yelled, banged, pulled on the door, and whimpered, begging for us to comfort him. It felt wrong. I knew it was wrong, letting my baby cry like that. I felt like we were punishing him because he couldn't sleep. We've been such loving parents to him. He must be crushed to think we turned on him when he needed comfort. I feel HORRIBLE about this.

But I had all those obnoxious, well-meaning voices in my head saying "he's going to have to learn he has to stay in bed". I hate myself for not trusting my own instincts.

We know our baby. We've worked hard to establish a loving, trusting relationship with him. Not to mention happy, safe, relaxing sleep routines.

Naturally, I turned to the internet to see if other people have experienced this with their toddlers (he'll be two next month) and what potentially causes this. Here's what I gleaned from my "research":

Maybe he's too little to be in a bed. For his safety, we had to take one side off the crib a couple of months ago and replace it with a rail because he was trying to climb out. But some people say toddlers lack the self-control to stay put once they realize they can get out. I don't think this is the problem. At least, not yet.

Maybe he's hitting a milestone. Some sites suggest that when babies are focused on a new skill (like younger babies before they learn to crawl or walk), their sleep patterns regress. I had heard of this before and this could make sense since he's starting to talk. Maybe he's just so revved up that he can't unwind.

Maybe he's having bad dreams. Toddlers' memories get stronger so they can replay images in their heads and remember dreams. He's not in a scary environment, but then, remembering the neighbors dog jumping up on him or our cat chasing the local fox might seem pretty scary to him. This bad dream explanation would make sense since his afternoon nap is cut short and he is waking between 5-6 a.m.

Maybe he's cutting his 2-year molars. YIKES! The WHAT? Yeah, somehow I didn't get the memo on this one and wasn't smart enough to put two and two together. He's been drooling alot and I thought I saw some little bumps around his chin a few days ago. Why didn't I realize that was a rash from the drool? Then today at the store, he bit his snack and winced, then stuck his finger in his mouth. Yeah, I'm thinking this is what the problem is.

So there we were. Cliche ignorant, tired parents debating what to do and failing miserably. I feel sick to my stomach about this - him screaming and crying in pain. I should have trusted my gut to comfort him.  Here are more reasons not to let your toddler "cry it out":

-You have to de-sensitize yourself to your baby's cries.
-You have to ignore your instincts as a parent. Why would we want to do that again? To follow inaccurate theories from people 50 years ago?
-You potentially overlook health issues or illness (in our case teething).
-He's got two years of great sleep habits under his belt, so this is just a temporary sleep disturbance. Figure out the cause and address it. Making him cry will not improve things if the problem is physical. In effect, you'll be punishing him for waking that is out of his control and losing sleep over it as he cries.
-He'll start to fear going to sleep because it will no longer feel like a safe, peaceful environment. (This will then impact naps and betimes.)

New game plan: Wake up as soon as he does, no matter how early. Rock, snuggle, and sing. Hope that he falls asleep in my arms and that I fall asleep, too. Hope that he forgives us.

for the hubs

He's the best. He's an incredible father. He loves spending time with our son. Even when he's had a bad day, it doesn't keep him from enjoying E. His patience doesn't waiver when it comes to our little guy. He has the magical ability to make E smile, no matter what the tantrum is about. Our boy is very blessed to have a dad that spends quality time with him every day.

Even though he's my spouse, he's the "daddy" in this house. He takes care of us all, cat included. I am so very grateful to him for his support and love. He's an amazing guy, faults and all. He's not perfect, but a wonderful daddy just the same.

Father's Day means different things to different people. To me, it means taking time to recognize my son's father, the man who loves us unconditionally. Thank you, sweets. We love you! Happy Father's Day!

dethroned

I thought that I was the queen bee when it comes to E. I thought that I was the apple of his eye. Given that I gave birth to him and all (and destroyed my figure in the process) I foolishly assumed that I would always be his "go to". You know, anytime there is a boo-boo or he's scared or he needs a reassuring snuggle, I'd be top pick.

Seems I have been dethroned by my husband!

We've had a couple of little incidents here recently where E very deliberately wanted his dada instead of me. What a blow to my ego! I couldn't help but feel a little hurt, even though I know it's completely irrational! When I saw my little guy's arms go flying in the direction of dad, I was crushed. My comfort wasn't good enough. Daddy reigned superior.

Please tell me someone else can relate? I'm not crazy, am I?

I hope you know that I am writing this with a bittersweet chuckle. I am grateful that my husband spends copious amounts of time parenting - far more than most dads I know. And E reaps all the benefits of a loving, trusting relationship with his dad. They have a special connection. E looks to his papa for security and love. It is the most precious thing to watch my boys together. I don't care if it sounds cliche - it really does melt my heart.

For us, it's far better for us to divide the labor, so to speak, when it comes to E. Since the initial couple of tough months when he was born we've gradually gotten better and better with this. I am sure this is why E is so close with each of us. My husband trusts me to do my best, and I trust him to do the same. I don't step in and tell him how to be a dad, and he doesn't tell me how to be a mom. We each do our parenting in our own way. It feels just perfect, exactly as it should be.

So don't take my silly complaint serious, okay? I'm glad that daddy is the hero sometimes. To me, this is how it should be - a shared throne. As long as my boys remember who the queen bee is around here, we'll be just fine!

couples night!

Nothing like a night out with friends to put the wind back in your sails! We hadn't seen our dear friends in months and we desperately needed an adults only night. It wasn't a fancy restaurant or an extravagent affair - just a nice meal with friends that know where we're coming from.

Our kids are both toddlers and share all the laughable, frustrating habits you might expect. Our shared list includes: non-compliant diaper changes, love of being outside with the wind blowing through barely there hair, dramatic tantrums when coming back inside, adorable love of story books, proud independant air when themselves, etc. It's such a wonderful time for our tots, but for us too as witnesses. And it's just so great to swap stories with other moms and dads.

I took all those couples dates for granted before E, and now I savor them! Finding time for people that also have kids is, well, it's nothing short of a scheduling nightmare. But when it happens, it's a magical thing. Thanks for a great night out, guys.

things I hate

Today feels like a day to vent. Does anyone else struggle to keep sanity and balance work with family? It's 1:30 a.m. and I can't sleep. Turns out I'm in a hateful mood:

I hate that society makes me feel like I need to work out five times a week to look good enough. I feel like a failure because I can't. Yes, I'm a very active person, but I feel like I must do more. And I don't see how to make it happen in the real life that I live.

I hate that I feel like I should try to dress like Barbie in public AND to maintain my husband's attention to keep "the spark". Apparently, looking like a mom is a bad thing to a lot of people.

I hate the conflict between my drive to be a rock star at work and not wanting to miss a moment of my son's fleeting childhood. I have such passion and motivation in my career, but it's hard to feel fulfilled because I am only there part-time. There's always so much left undone. I wouldn't trade a moment of my time with our son. Not a single second. I am totally unapologetic about my choice to work part-time. Even still, I feel the nagging guilt DAILY...guilt that I am shirking work to be a parent. Shouldn't I be able to shake the guilt? Why can't I?

I hate that most men don't seem to have an ounce of this guilt -- females bare the brunt. They don't feel the weight of parenthood the way a mother does. I don't know if it's the way their brains are wired or what. But wow. It is annoying.

I hate that there are so many things society says are needs. In most cases, those "needs" are really "wants"... to keep up with the Jones'. And even though I'm aware of this fact, and I desperately want to be grounded, I still struggle with being content. I feel guilty about this, too.

So, I will continue with my quiet meditations and hope they come true. I'll do more to back them up with actions to take baby steps towards more inner change. But today was just a hard day.

"I am kindness. I am loving. I am at peace."

date night!

Nothin' like stepping out for date night! Even though I know him like the back of my hand, I always learn just a little more about him during our special nights out. Date nights are too few for us, so we cherish them. They are sacred.

I'm not even sure where we'll go, but I know I'll get dressed up and smell pretty (two things that rarely happen these days). I will get lost in the notion that we are still trying to win each other over like we did when we first started dating. And he will humor me like he always has.

Hooray for date night!