Today feels like a day to vent. Does anyone else struggle to keep sanity and balance work with family? It's 1:30 a.m. and I can't sleep. Turns out I'm in a hateful mood:
I hate that society makes me feel like I need to work out five times a week to look good enough. I feel like a failure because I can't. Yes, I'm a very active person, but I feel like I must do more. And I don't see how to make it happen in the real life that I live.
I hate that I feel like I should try to dress like Barbie in public AND to maintain my husband's attention to keep "the spark". Apparently, looking like a mom is a bad thing to a lot of people.
I hate the conflict between my drive to be a rock star at work and not wanting to miss a moment of my son's fleeting childhood. I have such passion and motivation in my career, but it's hard to feel fulfilled because I am only there part-time. There's always so much left undone. I wouldn't trade a moment of my time with our son. Not a single second. I am totally unapologetic about my choice to work part-time. Even still, I feel the nagging guilt DAILY...guilt that I am shirking work to be a parent. Shouldn't I be able to shake the guilt? Why can't I?
I hate that most men don't seem to have an ounce of this guilt -- females bare the brunt. They don't feel the weight of parenthood the way a mother does. I don't know if it's the way their brains are wired or what. But wow. It is annoying.
I hate that there are so many things society says are needs. In most cases, those "needs" are really "wants"... to keep up with the Jones'. And even though I'm aware of this fact, and I desperately want to be grounded, I still struggle with being content. I feel guilty about this, too.
So, I will continue with my quiet meditations and hope they come true. I'll do more to back them up with actions to take baby steps towards more inner change. But today was just a hard day.
"I am kindness. I am loving. I am at peace."